10 Things NOT to Ask Your Instructor

One would think that university level students would be more responsible, be more proactive, and care more about how they do in class.  One would be wrong.  Okay, I exaggerate. There are many, many, many intelligent, organized, and responsible students.  Sadly, there are just as many lazy nincomepoops.  Though I have no idea why, the same questions or issues continue to occur in classes everywhere.  It’s not just in my classes; it’s not just at my university; it’s a nationwide epidemic.

Here are a sample of questions to which professors and lecturers are subjected.  In addition, I have taken the liberty of answering some of them – just for fun.  I’m entitling it…

Ten things NOT to ask the instructor and the answers they want to give you.

Question: Where is your office?  What time are your office hours?

Answer: Look on the syllabus...that I just reviewed in class.

Question: I couldn’t make it to the last class (or classes).  Did I miss anything?

Answer Option 1: Oh, of course not.  We were so horrified you couldn’t come to class, so we just sat there and stared at the ceiling for 75 minutes.

Answer Option 2: Yes.  :stare silently at student without any further response:

Question: When is the paper due?

Answer: It’s on the freakin’ syllabus.

Question: Do you have a stapler?

Answer: Nope.  Do I have Office Depot written on my forehead again?

Question: I know it says on the syllabus that such and such are the required readings, but are those the books that we need to read?

Answer Option 1: What?  Oh, that syllabus is just for the others.  YOU don’t have to read it.  You’re special.  :dripping with sarcasm:

Answer Option 2: Nope.  Everything is optional.  Even attendance is optional, but you will earn a grade of F if you choose not to read or do anything.

Question: I showed up for every class. How can I be failing?

Answer: Look on the syllabus.  See grade percentage breakdown.  There were things called exams and papers.  Oh, ya.  And even a group project.  You had to do them.

Question: I did half the work.  I should get a “C” then, right?

Answer: Um, no.  Honey, half the work equals 50%. Last time I checked, that equaled a grade of F.  It is on the higher side of the F, so you can be proud you didn’t get 14% though, right?

Question: What can I do to improve my grade in class?

Answer: Come to class.  Do the assignments.

Question: Can I get an incomplete instead of F?

Answer: Sorry, an incomplete is for a student with extenuating circumstances who missed assignments, not for half of the semester’s worth of work or for someone who repeatedly failed exams.

Question: This class is really important to me.  I really need a “C.”

Answer: I understand you are saying it is really important to you. Unfortunately, you demonstrated the opposite by being absent for two months and not turning in any work.  I do not “give” grades.  I record your effort.  The effort you demonstrated was actually below zero.  I had forgotten who you were, dumbass.

For the record, the diligent students think this is just as funny as I do.  I’ve seen them laughing when their fellow students ask an inane question! haha