Abducted....on the way home

Many years ago, a little boy by the name of Kevin Andrew Collins was abducted from a bus stop in San Francisco.  While this abduction may have been just one of many, this particular case hit the SF community really hard.  You couldn't go anywhere without hearing about this story - and this was prior to the internet, prior to Amber Alert. Everyone was afraid. This little boy could have been a friend of mine; he could have been a classmate or someone I saw during CYO league games.  I went to a local Catholic school, played in after school sports, took the bus alone, and played outside after school, generally unsupervised.  In fact, often but not always, I had taken the same bus he did.
It's scary to think about child abductions, but they happen.  I'm sure they probably happened as much in the 80s as they do now.  It's just more publicized now. Many parents nowadays never let their children out of their sight, in fear of the stranger lurking in the car, the man asking your child's help to look for a lost dog, or a woman offering candy. We worry. It only takes a second, most parents think. Right?

Well, that's what I think. I'm paranoid. I think worst case scenarios. Even though I was known to play outside on the street for long periods of time unsupervised, I don't allow my kids the same freedom. Walking 10 blocks alone in San Francisco - on busy streets - after school seemed like no big deal to me, but I cringe at the thought of letting my daughter ride her bike alone, around our nice, friendly, residential neighborhood.

I'm not sure what the balance is, the balance of giving our child her freedom while keeping her safe. No one wants to make a decision only to regret it later. I'm sure time and time again, Kevin Collins' parents think, "If only..." and how horrible that would be?! I can only imagine the guilt...but it's not their fault, of course. And to some degree, are we now only sheltering our kids?

I ask because my kids are picked up by either myself or family friends from school each day. I don't like them to play outside unsupervised. However, on a daily basis, i see children walking home without adult supervision. Some look as young as 8 years old. Of course, it could be just a young looking 10 year old, but still, it makes me wonder. At what point is it okay to allow a child to walk alone to go home? At what point is it okay to leave a child unsupervised?

While the National SAFEKIDS Campaign recommends that no child under the age of 12 be left at home alone, most states have no laws in this regard. In Maryland, children need to be at least 8 years old in order to stay home alone; In Illinois, the age is 14; In California, there are no laws stating how old the child must be.

I realize that an age is not a magic number; some children can probably stay home alone or walk home alone younger than others. But, let's say your child is mature and responsible...and the only thing you need to worry about are predators.  

In that case, at what age is it okay to allow your child to walk home alone?  Or stay home alone?

Got Allowance?

Growing up, my mother gave me $5.00 a week to do my chores, which included vacuuming and dusting our home once a week, which happened to be a 3rd floor flat. This meant, there were something like 30-50 stairs in addition to the two bedrooms, living room, and family room, that all had to be vacuumed. I also had to take care of the dishes (though I don't think this was all the time) as well as clean my room.

If I remember correctly, and I could be wrong (since I'm getting "up there" in age), I was 10 when this arrangement started. I never got a raise, but then again, I'm not even sure how consistent I was with my chores.


Regardless of that, I do believe it helped me learn the importance of saving. When I was 12, I started babysitting and earned an additional $5.00 for the week. So, my mother also took me to the bank and opened a "kid" account with me, so I could put money into my savings. I was so proud when it got to $200.


My daughter turns 11 next month and I want her to feel that pride of knowing she can save enough money to buy something important. I want her to learn the importance of saving, not the art of begging.   Up to this point, we have been massively failing in this regard.


I admit it. We spoil our children, not rotten, but to a degree we probably shouldn't. The other month, my husband bought our son a cheap $10 train set at the grocery store because our son was crying for it. When I went after-Christmas shopping for some work clothes, I picked up several puzzles for my son and a few outfits for my daughter. Why? Because I thought they'd like it. Yes, they were on sale, but did they *need* it? Most definitely not. We have just been in the habit of buying them stuff if it felt like it "had been awhile" since they last got something new. Clearly, we shouldn't do this and quite honestly, we can't afford it right now.


So, we started an allowance system. My daughter earns $5.00/week:

• 
  
  40% ($2.25) comes to her in cash and can be spent immediately or saved as she wishes
• 
  
  40% ($2.25) goes into a "long-term" savings, which she can use to save up for larger items (that would cost over $25) and we would match it
• 
  
  10% (50 cents) gets donated to an agency of her choice: Humane Society, the little girl we sponsor in Africa, church, or wherever else she chooses.

I found this "system" online while searching for "do-able" ways to start a child's allowance.  Allowance is based on child's age in half and paid either weekly or monthly, depending on family's financial situation.  While I'd like to just give her $5.00 a month, I'm not sure that's realistic for us.  And like I said, my goal is to help her learn about the benefits of saving money, rather than spending all the time. I also want to try to curb my husband's and my impulse buys regarding the kids.  Even though "it's only" $5 or $20 or $30, those little purchases do add up!

Ten Things About Me

1. I have been married for over 12 years to the love of my life, together for over 18 years. I cannot believe how fortunate I was to have met him when I did and how fortunate I am that we are still together now. On top of that, I feel incredibly blessed that we still love one another after all these years. Who would have thought I could be happily married? Not me. (see point 2)

2. I am a mother of two wonderful children and I cannot imagine my life without them. They bring me joy (and yes, often frustration, too) every single day. The odd thing about the fact that I am a mother is that, growing up, I never thought I was going to have kids, simply because I never thought I was going to get married; being a child of divorced parents sometimes does that, I think.

3. I was born and raised in San Francisco, and though I haven't lived in "the city" for decades, I still feel like a native and I miss living there. I miss the MUNI - how easily one could travel from place to place; I miss sitting in the Presidio watching the waves roll in; I miss seeing my mother on a regular basis; I even miss the fog. I do admit that I don't miss the lack of parking. :)

4. I happened upon my career as a lecturer by chance, which proves that sometimes you just have to try things and see where you land. I knew I didn't want to work at my previous place of employment, started networking about other opportunities, and was offered this job - a job I had not originally envisioned but a dream job, nonetheless.

5. I am allergic to animals - and that makes me REALLY sad. What is frustrating about it is that I wasn't always allergic to animals. As a child, I had several dogs in my life...and was often around cats. Unfortunately, around the age of 12, life took a turn and I became allergic to animal dander. It sucks and I hate it.

6. I have always been adventurous and will strive to stay this way until the day I die. As a child, I convinced the neighborhood kids to climb rooftops with me - San Francisco rooftops, which often meant several stories tall apartment buildings. Now, I make safer choices, preferring to do things that have safety precautions - things like harnesses and parachutes. To date, I have gone skydiving, ziplining, and mechanical bull-riding, to name a few.

7. I don't fear death. I definitely once did fear it, but now? Not so much. While I don't hope to die, mind you, I just think that when it's a person's time, it is his or her time. I don't want to live in fear of death. I just try to live each day like it's my last.

8. I may not be afraid of death, but I sure am afraid of scary movies. I can't watch them. I still have flashbacks of movies I have either seen many years ago (like "Carrie") or even just movie snippets ("The Sixth Sense"). The other night, my husband was playing a scary videogame and I was in the other room; I made him turn the volume down. Yes, I am THAT much of a fraidy cat. So there!

9. It took me a LONG time to learn to share, probably because I'm an only child whose parents divorced when I was young. I didn't often have to share and it showed. I had issues with people touching my stuff, much less borrowing it. College was a rude awakening. Sharing a room with someone? Was that a joke? ;)

10. I am the queen of procrastination. One would think as a person gets older, she would become more responsible and do things immediately, rather than waiting until the last moment. In my case, thinking would be wrong. I have been known to pull all-nighters to get work done. As much as I love my job - the teaching part - I hate to grade and often put it off until the last possible moment. I'm getting better, but I'm still a work in progress.

I Just Don't Understand

Last night I was watching a Lifetime movie, which was based on the real news story about the Pregnancy Pact article. I realize that this story is almost 2 years old, but I must have missed it. Or maybe I just couldn't believe it and blocked it out.

Seriously? Why would a high school student WANT to have a child so young? When I was 15 years old, I think my biggest concern was whether or not I could get the basketball star to like me. What else? Oh, my other concerns consisted of going to my part-time job to make spending money to pay for my phone and new clothes and hoping my mother would NOT nag me to death.

I'm not sure why there are so many teens having children now, but I just don't understand why our society thinks this is okay. Why are there shows like 16 and Pregnant? Why does it seem like we're glamorizing it? Yes, babies are cute. We love babies, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't show high school students there is more to life than just having babies. What about other dreams and goals? What about a future for themselves?

In that article, it talks about how the school provided daycare so the teen mothers could finish high school. I'm not saying there shouldn't be support services in place, but why were there only post-baby services? Why did this community think it was not okay to offer more preventative methods but okay to provide childcare services? It's almost like encouraging kids to have children: "Look. We've set it up for you! Have your baby, finish school, we'll take care of your baby in class."

Mind-boggling. And what's with all the movies and TV shows highlighting teen moms - like 16 and Pregnant. I've never watched 16 and Pregnant and I don't want to. Even if the point of the show is to show how hard it is, showing a child having a child? I don't think this will necessarily scare any girls from having children. They'll still think, "Oh, that won't happen to me. loves me. We'll be happy." Instead of these types of shows, wouldn't it be better to show more inspiring outcomes?

I'm just baffled. And a little horrified. While I'm not saying teen moms should be shot or anything like that, I'm just wondering why we don't do something to SOLVE the issue, not put a band-aid on it.

How disheartening. I'm afraid for my daughter....and maybe even me.

Displays of Affection

I bought my husband a Valentine's Day card. I know, big deal, right? Well, to be honest, I'm not all that fabulous about getting cards for my husband. Sometimes I just don't. Why? Because I figure he doesn't really care either way. (Maybe he does, but I don't think so.)  Mind you, he *has* to get me a card...or I'll be pissed. Double standard? Hell yes. So be it.

But that's about all I expect.  I've never been a big romantic.  I don't like grand gestures.  In fact, one of my male friends was telling me how he was planning to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day with either participating in some huge Pillow Fight (http://www.pillowfight.info/) or having some romantic restaurant dinner with flowers, chocolates, etc.

Barf.

I know.  I'm horrible.  Maybe it's the Virgo practicality in me, but the idea of all that makes me laugh - and not in a good way.  For me, I find it's the little things that I appreciate: asking me if I'd like an iced tea (he makes the best iced tea), cooking a fantastic meal, letting me sleep in while he takes the kids to school.  And think about it - these are things he does on a regular basis, rather than one huge gesture on Valentine's Day and/or my birthday.

Anyhow, as I was saying, I found the perfect card to tell him how I feel about him...it's cheesy and overly lovey-dovey, but it really does say how I feel. Isn't that what Hallmark is all about?

The card says..

for my WONDERFUL HUSBAND on Valentine's Day

I love being married to you,
You are the rock of my life.
Of all the decisions that I ever made,
the best one is being your wife.

I love coming home to your smile,
your strong arms around me in bed...
My deepest delight is belonging to you,
with our dreams for a lifetime ahead.

Whenever I saw the word "husband,"
I'm thankful all over again
I'm blessed with the gift of a lifetime --
the sweetest, most loving of men.

You made me the happiest woman
the day that I promised "I do,"
and my heart is completely devoted
to spending forever with you.

Happy Valentine's Day
with all my love.

We have been married for over 12 years. And while some years were more challenging than others, I am incredibly thankful that I was fortunate enough to meet my husband when I did - and blessed that we still love one another after all these years. It helps that he's nice to look at, too - at least I think so.